my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
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I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
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I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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