What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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