I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
