I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why are your pants in the freezer?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
