I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i think i just lost a toe
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
