I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
