Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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