His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
