i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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