our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
