What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
