Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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