dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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