john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.