In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
