I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
