The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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