Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
