she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
