I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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