How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
