Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
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Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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