We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
