Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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