booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Your cock deserves a montage
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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