my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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