We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
