____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
