yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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