I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
