Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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