Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
