His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
