Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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