Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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