I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Randomize
