just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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