So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
