i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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