Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
