Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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