I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
