I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.