someone threw a dead crab at me
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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