Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
