i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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