Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
