I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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