There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
