The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That was an excessively violent trivia night
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I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
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Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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