Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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