Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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