Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
