All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
