I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
