Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
